I decided to open up about my past relationships on my youtube channel and below is what I wrote in my journal the other night.
Journal Entry 4.7.15
For the past 2 going on 3 nights I haven’t been able to sleep and when I do I have nightmares and wake up sweaty. I’m not really sure what is going on. Last time I couldn’t sleep I felt really moved to share something on my heart and maybe now I feel that way too. Maybe I’ve been afraid to revisit my past because I don’t want to feel what I felt but maybe it is time. This isn’t the first time I wanted to share this but for some reason I just couldn’t before. Well here I am another late night sitting with pen and paper trying to express myself.
Since I’ve started my youtube channel I’ve had a lot of girls tell me that they hope that they will find the love I have found with Harold someday and while it may be a compliment I can’t help but go back in time to the moments when I prayed for the very thing they are wishing for and the very thing I have today. I started my youtube channel this past September and while I have shared what has been going on in my life right now during this strange transition from graduating college to preparing to be a wife in 2 short months along with really taking on what it means to marry someone in the military I still haven’t shared so much.
I am finally at the point in my life where I have truly been the happiest and most excited to start this new chapter. But how did I get here? I think that story is worth telling as well. So many things happened in the 20 years of my life before I met Harold and a lot don’t involve boys but I think that is where I will start for now simply because I’ve seen and felt a lot of emotions about longing to find the one your soul loves from so many girls.
So here it goes…Well actually let me take a second to breath.
Since I was a little girl I always wondered who I would marry, when it would happen and if I knew them already. I continued to wonder these things until I met Harold and then I knew. I knew he was the one and I knew it was probably going to be after he graduated and well at that point I did know him. But I didn’t always know.
I’ve been in a relationship where I wanted to picture a life together with a guy. I’ve also been in a relationship where he pictured a life with me but for some reason I just didn’t see myself marrying him. He was a great guy and truly treated me so well. He taught me how to have a relationship and pushed me to communicate better (I use to be terrible at it) and he was a lot of fun. I felt cared for and I trusted him. But I didn’t love him. I don’t know why but I just didn’t. My best guess now is because he isn’t Harold and I believe God made my heart for Harold’s. Now you might be confused why I am sharing this but I think it is important because it is important that you don’t just settle. Sometimes it is harder to end a relationship when something bad didn’t happen because it doesn’t make much sense to leave a really nice guy who treats you well. But I followed my heart and I am glad that I did for both of our sakes.
I’ve been hurt. I’ve been lied to. I’ve been massively confused. I’ve forgiven. I gave second chances. And I’ve felt broken. I watched someone who I thought loved me choose sex, drugs, and alcohol over me. I felt a lot of pain in my heart. I lost someone who was suppose to be my best friend. But I’m glad.
I didn’t just bounce back. I felt lost, very lost. I really hadn’t felt that kind of heart ache before. I bottled up a lot of my feelings and tried my best to handle them but truthfully I was a mess. After a lot of prayer and finally being able to think straight I got over this guy. After all he wasn’t the type of man I wanted to be with or the man that I thought he was. Even though I was over him I still didn’t feel whole. I had a lot of healing I had to do and I knew it. My heart felt different. For someone who use to be so open to love I became very closed off and pushed away any guy who wanted to know me deeper. I broke down a lot. I felt unworthy. I hated feeling this way. I still longed to be loved and to love but it didn’t seem like it was in the cards for me.
I knew above all else that I had a Lord and Savior who loved me unconditionally and I clung to Him. I pursued Christ more intentionally and prayed that He would heal my heart. I have vivid images of breaking down in tears at the alter desperately wanting to feel whole again. It took over a year until I truly felt healed. Time passed and I kept praying. It was a slow process but I knew God would be faithful and He was. I remember sitting on some rocking chairs with a friend and rejoicing over how God has restored my heart. I knew the feelings I felt of being unworthy were lies but more importantly I fell deeper in love with my God. God pursues each of us and desires our love and man did I feel His love and did my love for Him grow that much more.
I continued to fall in love with God and I felt good. I didn’t desire love from another person but enjoyed being in love with God. I felt the best I had ever felt. Better than I did when I was “happy” in my past relationship. And I was content with where I was. I returned to college after a powerful summer and I felt like me again! Dang was it good! While I was happy being single I did continue to pray for my future husband and I was pretty dang sure I wouldn’t date anyone until I was 30 and out of college because I practically knew everyone I was going to know in college already and there was just no way any of them were the man God intended for me.
Turns out God had a different plan and He waited to reveal it to me until the time was right and I was healed. On September 12th, 2012 before I went to bed I prayed and in my prayer I told God that I was so happy with my life and content in loving God and not needing a relationship but that I still did want to find true love when God wanted me to find it and I (being the typical girl that I am) asked God if He would just give me a sign that I would find it one day. I went to bed and that was it. Until September 13th when I received a very strange facebook message from some guy I didn’t know who was apparently best friends with my cousin.
And well the rest of the story leads me to today almost 2 months away from marrying my true love. Now I’m not saying your story will be like mine, but I hope that whoever you are you can take away from my story that God has a plan, He loves you and is pursuing you and wants you to be in relationship with Him. Sometimes it takes a long time to heal but it is important to work on your own relationship with God first before you can add someone else into the mix. Stay faithful and God will provide.